Meanwhile, In Gotham
by RosannaStone
Summary: The three Batman movies are great, but some scenes are just to stupid or awkward to include. This is a collection of hilarious moments that you know MUST have happened in the movies, including dinner time with Bane, applying makeup with the Joker, and why the siege of Gotham was as boring as hell. You all know Batman's story, but here's what happened meanwhile, in Gotham...
1. Public Speaking With Bane

So what is this all about? Meanwhile, in Gotham… is a collection of one shots about different people in the three Nolan Batman movies, and the side stories that the movie just doesn't cover. You know, the little details of everyday life that our heroes and villains have to deal with, scenes that you know would have been hilarious if they had been included, and parts of the movie that just make no damn sense. The Most of these are plot holes that I wanted to have fun with, or just random "what-if's" that popped into my head. I'll start out with this one, and if you guys like them let me know in the reviews so I can keep doing more. Enjoy:)

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The Story As You Know It: Bane has effectively cut of Gotham from the rest of the world, and has gathered his army of the steps of Blackgate Prison to publicly announce something. Many reporters show up, eager to report what Bane has to say to the rest of the world. Meanwhile, in Gotham…

Bane ascended the step of the Prison and turned towards the gathered crowd.

"Gotham!" he barked. "Take back your city! Take back-"

"Excuse me!" interrupted one of the reporters, a tall guy with a thick mustache and even thicker glasses.

Bane looked astounded.

"What could you possibly have to say right now, citizen?" he growled.

"Hi, um, I'm Barry Smith from Gotham Weekly. I was just wondering if you could maybe speak a little louder? There's a lot of space between us, you kind of growl a lot, and the TV Channel's microphones just aren't picking anything up." He said loudly. The other reporters mumbled in agreement, so Bane rolled his eyes and cleared his throat.

"GOTHAM! TAKE BACK YOUR CITY! I AM BANE-"

"Is that B-A-I-N-E or B-A-Y-N-E?" yelled Suzy Wendel from Channel 8 News.

"Silence, all of you. I could crush you, if I wanted to," said a clearly annoyed Bane.

"All we want to do is report the story correctly for the people. I mean, if no one can understand your speech or your motives, then this whole thing is kind of a moot point, right? Cause all I have from you now is, 'Grawphwh mmrgh hgn Gotham, urghh smorf Bane,'" said Barry.

Bane stared at the reporter for a second, but then seemed to think it over.

"You make a good point. B-A-N-E. That is how you spell it. Now, onto more important things-"

"Jake McIntire from Sports Daily, is that a first or a last name?"

"It is my only name. Just Bane. Like Cher, or Madonna."

"Ohhh..." said everyone in collective understanding.

"Wait, Sports Daily? What is Sports Daily doing covering real news?" asked Bane's brooding second in command, Barsad.

"Well you kind of bombed our only major sports team, so we don't really have anything else to report," admitted Jake. "No football... I don't know what to do for the next few months. We were going to make the playoffs this year, Bane. THE PLAYOFFS!"

"Jake, Jake, calm down. We haven't lost all hope for sports!" said Barry. "When Bane bombed the bridges we trapped the Harlem Globe Trotters on the island. They were doing their Northeastern tour, but I guess they can't now, because, you know, they're stuck here."

"Yes! I've always wanted to see them. Good family fun for all ages," said Suzy as the reporters mumbled in agreement.

"SILENCE!" Yelled Bane. "I haven't even given my speech yet!"

Everyone quieted down and turned back to Bane.

"I have here, a letter from your very own Commissioner Gordon. It reads-"

"Could you maybe speed this along?" yelled Suzy. "The Bachelor comes on at seven and my network cuts me off then."

"Perhaps you should tell them that what I have to say is more important the your trivial entertainement," said Bane.

Barsad leaned in and whispered to Bane. "Sir, tonight is the final rose ceremony. The one where the guy picks his future wife. It's a real nail biter this year, and I'd like to at least catch some of it, so maybe we could just paraphrase the rest of your speech?"

"Well, no one is letting me speak!" growled Bane. "The letter reads…"

"Does anyone know how to get tickets to the Harlem Globe Trotters?" whispered Barry into the crowd as Bane continued his speech.

"Yeah, how does that work now? Like, are we on a bartering system, like with old school markets and crap?" asked Suzy.

"Is the black market now just… the market?" wondered Jake.

"Reporters! Is there a problem?" yelled Bane.

"Yeah, we're all kind of wondering how the whole economic system works now that we're kind of stuck here for a while?" said Barry.

"I am giving Gotham back to the people!" said Bane.

"So… the Globe Trotters belong to the people now..." said Jake.

"All we have to do is find them !" exclaimed Suzy.

"Gotham is for the people- Gotham is- are any of you listening to me?" asked Bane. "I have just revealed Harvey Dent, Gotham's white knight, as a villain, and showed you how corrupt the leaders of Gotham are!"

"Cool story, bro," said Jake. "But we live in America. I'd feel weird if our politicians _didn't_ lie to us."

"But aren't you disgusted by the corrupt, the men who take all of Gotham and leave nothing left for its people?"

"Well the 'corrupt' people built the football stadium that you just bombed, so there's that," said Jake.

"Hey man, we've gotta go find the Globe Trotters, but we have time for a quick picture!" said Barry. "Everyone gather around Bane… there we go, shortest people on the bottom step! Could you maybe just hold those guns a little lower, you're blocking his face… perfect, hold it. Smile and say cheese!"

"Uh, Bane, are you smiling? I can't really tell. The mask sort of hides your emotions, and makes it hard for people to connect with you." Said Jake as others mumbled in agreement.

"Enough of this foolishness. Men, storm the prison!" Bane yelled.

"Yo, I just got a hit on twitter! The Harlem Globe Trotters are on Fifth and Main street!" yelled Jake.

"To Fifth and Main!" yelled Barry, leading the charge as the reporters went off in pursuit of family fun, for all ages.


	2. Working for the Joker and Why it Sucks

**Hey there:) Thanks to Amelia, Bayfire, Red, and Julie for reviewing, and Zeny for inspiring this chapter! I will continue to write these as long as people read them and let me know what they thought, so here's another one for you guys:)**

**Quick note: The characters are going to be on various ends of the OOC spectrum, but it's humor, so humor me?:)**

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The Joker has made his presence known by robbing one of the biggest banks in Gotham. The Mob gathers to figure out what happened to their money and what should be done about the psychotic clown. Meanwhile, in Gotham…

"Henchman!" yelled the Joker down the hall of an abandoned warehouse. There was no reply.

"HENCHMAN!" he screamed again. A beefy twenty-something man came sprinting around the corner into the Joker's room, huffing and puffing, completely out of breath.

"Did you need something, Boss?" said the Henchman.

"Yes. Obvious-_ly_. I've been yelling 'Henchman' for five minutes!" the Joker whined.

"Um… my name is Theodore," said Theodore.

"Theodore? That doesn't exactly, uh, inspire fear into the heart of Gotham," said the Joker. "We're just going to go back to calling you Henchman."

"I guess that's okay. So, Boss, do you need something? Because I have a Hot Pocket in the microwave, and I don't want to have to heat it up again. The second time it gets a little crispy on the outside, and that's just…" Henchman trailed off as he realized the joker wasn't paying attention to him.

The Joker took a calming breath and whispered, "I like this job, I like this job, I like this job. Okay. I am calm. I _do_ need something, Henchman, because it appears my, uh, face paint is the wrong color, and I have to interrupt a mob meeting in about twenty minutes."

"Uh, I don't really deal with stuff like that, sir. I'm sort of the cleaning guy. It's a hard job, you know, you have to strike the right balance of 'sanitary work conditions' and 'underbelly of Gotham'. I've found that a fine layer of dust on everything gives the warehouse a casual, lived-in vibe. Oh, and I'm the chef! You kind of killed him during the bank heist, so I got promoted!" said Henchman with a proud smile.

"By who?" asked the Joker. He sure wasn't running around, promoting Henchman.

"Our Manager, Steve!" said Henchman incredulously.

The Joker stared at Henchman, dumbfounded.

"I wasn't aware that there was any sort of infrastructure in this place," said the Joker.

"Uh, yeah there is! You spend a lot of time sulking, putting on your face paint, and preparing short yet meaningful monologues to use whenever you meet the Batman. So we needed someone who was a little more focused on, you know, the outside world. Steve kind of runs this entire operation. He orders the fuel, guns, and ammo, takes care of the finer details of your plans-"

"I'm no-_t_ a man with a plan!" the Joker insisted.

"Sorry! Steve, uh, makes sure that if there was a purely theoretical plan, everything would go smoothly. He manages the employees, looks for creepy abandoned warehouses on the market, finds us untraceable vehicles, does your personal shopping, stuff like that," listed Henchman.

"Wait, that guy that does my personal shopping is also the manager?" said the Joker. "Bring him to me. _Now_."

A few minutes later, Henchman and Steve walked into the room. Steve was just as henchmanly-looking as Henchman, except for the fact that he was wearing a suit with a tie.

"Henchman #2," said the Joker, addressing Steve. "You are in charge of my personal shopping?"

"Yes. My name is Steve, sir, and I'm glad you wanted to talk to me, because there are a few key problems with the way that this operation is being run," said Steve. He pulled out a pad of paper and began to read from a long list.

"First of all: nametags. Your employees have actual names, not just 'Henchman'."

"Is this a real conversation? Are you joking?" said the Joker.

Henchman laughed loudly and said, "Ha! I see what you did there, Boss! It's funny, 'cause you're the Joker! And you're joking!"

The Joker and Steve threw Henchman matching looks of annoyance, so he stopped chuckling and let Steve continue with his list.

"The term 'henchman' is outdated and demeaning. The Organized Crime Union is pushing for a more widespread use of the term Assistant Collaborator. Also, some of the guys want to put together a badminton tournament, but the cost of the equipment is going to have to come out of the creepy clown mask fund, so I'm sort of on the fence about that. On another note: this is Tasteful Thursday, not Casual Friday. Theodore, where is your suit or otherwise polished outfit?"

"Um, I don't own a suit," said Henchman.

"That is no excuse. You are lowering workplace morale. Continuing on! Boss, why don't we have better on-the-job benefits? At least when I worked for Maroni I had health insurance."

"Wait, what?!" yelled Henchman. "They have health insurance? We don't even cover dental!"

"Exactly," said Steve. "And finally, we need more security. In our lives. This operation has a death rate of 58% for the month of April, and that's a 5% increase from last month's rate."

"I'd be down with that. I mean, seriously, Scarecrow's guys only die, like, 39% of the time. That's a nice, low-ish number," noted Henchman.

"This all seems very interesting and I am invested in our operation and blah blah blah blah blah- but this all pales in comparison to the fact the SOMEONE BOUGHT ME THE WRONG SHADE OF FACEPAINT!" screamed the Joker.

"Whoa, Boss. You gave me a list, and I just bought whatever was on it." Steve flipped through his notepad and finally stopped on a page.

"Okay, here it is… you wanted 23 barrels of gasoline, 2 yards of copper wire, 3 packs of AA batteries, one pack of makeup sponges, one bottle of green hair dye (semi-permanent), CoverGirl eyeliner in Kohl Black, a bottle of Jack-"

"What's the bottle of Jack for?" asked Henchman.

"When I leave, I brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack. It gives them this nice yellow color that really completes my look," said the Joker.

"You could have your teeth cleaned for free if we had dental insurance…" mumbled Henchman.

"Just skip to the end of the list!" yelled the Joker.

"Okay, uh… blah blah blah, potatoes, a pink Snuggie, umm… here it is. One can of face paint in the shade 'Ghostly Pale'."

"That, Steve, is exactly what I asked for. So why, then, does the label of the can in my hand clearly say 'Moonlight Masquerade'?" he asked.

"They were out of 'Ghostly Pale' at the store, and I thought maybe you should go with a color that matches your skin tone a little bit more," explained Steve.

"The second they get 'Ghostly Pale', you will buy every can the store has. For now, I'll use this other color. Now go away and… manage stuff…" said the Joker. Henchman and Steve obliged and left the room together.

"How long do you think it'll take for him to notice?" Steve asked Henchman with a smirk.

"Notice what?" said Henchman as he saved his hot pocket from the microwave. It was cold, and that made him sad.

"Well, I didn't lie when I said Moonlight Madness was the only color left," said Steve. "I just didn't really tell him that it glows in the dark."


End file.
